Learn to be French in one day

Ever listened to a French Art house film and thought 'I wish I could do that'?  Ever walked through the streets of Paris listening to people and thought 'How do they do that?'.  For too long being French has been thought of as something that you need education for, something that requires rigour, experience and actual learning to achieve.  But no longer.

I am now offering people the chance to learn to be French in a single day.  As part of this course you will

1. Wear a stripy jumper and put onions around your neck - and you will be French
2. Shrug and point at things - and you will be French
3. Refuse to go on with the course and burn a sheep(*) - and you will be French
4. Use words such as "Bonjour", "Zoot alors" and "Bricolage" - and you will be French

At the end of this one day course you will be a fully fledged French person and understand all the principles behind France and be able to declare yourself French(**).  I firmly believe being French is not just for people who were born there or who have lived there and achieved nationality, its for anyone who pays me money to do basic tasks where I can wrap enough crap around it to convince them they've actually achieved something.

At the end of just one day you will understand what it takes to be Fnrehc, you will realise that being French is something that is actually fundamentally easy and all French people are actually just over complicating it.  There is nothing else that you need to learn to be able to say that you understand what it takes to be French.  YOU will be able to look at the French nation and say 'I know exactly what it takes to be French'.

* additional fee applies
** not legally binding, does not include passport


(in homage to decoded)

Learn to be an actor in one day

Ever looked at a play and thought 'I wish I could do that'?  Ever looked at the Oscar winner for best actor and thought 'How do they do that?'.  For too long acting has been thought of as something that you need training for, something that requires rigour, experience and actual talent to achieve.  But no longer.

I am now offering people the chance to learn to be an actor in a single day.  As part of this course you will

1. Read stuff out of a book - and it will be acting
2. Copy famous scenes from films - and it will be acting
3. Get cast in a Michael Bay film as an attractive woman - and it will be acting(*)
4. Shout loudly on a stage from a script - and it will be acting

At the end of this one day course you will be a fully fledged actor and understand all the principles behind acting and be able to declare yourself an actor.  I firmly believe being an actor is not just for people with talent, experience and training, its for anyone who pays me money to do basic work where I can wrap enough crap around it to convince them they've actually achieved something.

At the end of just one day you will understand what it takes to be an actor, you will realise that being an actor is something that is actually fundamentally easy and all those great actors were actually just regular people like you.  There is nothing else that you need to learn to be able to say that you understand what it takes to be an artist.  YOU will be able to look at Spencer Tracy in 'Inherit the Wind' and say 'I know exactly what it takes to do that.

* limited places


(in homage to decoded)

Learn to be a writer in one day

Ever read Shakespeare and thought 'I wish I could do that'?  Ever read Steinbeck, Dickens, Austen, Pratchett or Proust and thought 'How do they do that?'.  For too long literature has been thought of as something that requires rigour, experience and actual talent to achieve.  But no longer.

I am now offering people the chance to learn to be a writer in a single day.  As part of this course you will

1. Rewrite a paragraph of Dickens in modern English - and it will be Literature
2. Use Google translate to switch Mollier from French to English - and it will be Literature
3. Write a short poem on the subject of being a writer - and it will be literature(*)
4. Cut and paste text from various writers to make a new story - and it will be literature

At the end of this one day course you will be a fully fledged writer and understand all the principles behind literature and be able to declare yourself a writer.  I firmly believe being a writer is not just for people with talent, experience and dedication, its for anyone who pays me money to do basic copy work where I can wrap enough crap around it to convince them they've actually achieved something.

At the end of just one day you will understand what it takes to be a writer, you will realise that being a writer is something that is actually fundamentally easy and all those so called giants of literature were actually just regular people like you.  There is nothing else that you need to learn to be able to say that you understand what it takes to be an artist.  YOU will be able to read Chaucer and say 'I know exactly what it takes to do that.

* additional fee for beret 


(in homage to decoded)

Learn to be an artist in one day

Ever looked at the Mona Lisa and thought 'I wish I could do that'?  Ever looked at the Turner Prize and thought 'How do they do that?'.  For too long art has been thought of as something that you need training for, something that requires rigour, experience and actual talent to achieve.  But no longer.

I am now offering people the chance to learn to be an artist in a single day.  As part of this course you will

1. Take a urinal off a wall - and it will be art
2. Throw paint randomly at a canvas - and it will be art
3. Fill a cast of Rodin's 'The Thinker' with molten bronze - and it will be art(*)
4. Trace around famous pencil drawings - and it will be art

At the end of this one day course you will be a fully fledged artist and understand all the principles behind art and be able to declare yourself an artist.  I firmly believe being an artist is not just for people with talent, experience and training, its for anyone who pays me money to do basic copy work where I can wrap enough crap around it to convince them they've actually achieved something.

At the end of just one day you will understand what it takes to be an artist, you will realise that being an artist is something that is actually fundamentally easy and all those old masters were actually just regular people like you.  There is nothing else that you need to learn to be able to say that you understand what it takes to be an artist.  YOU will be able to look at the Sistine chapel roof and say 'I know exactly what it takes to do that.

* additional fee applies


(in homage to decoded)